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Everything Counts

Five-Hundred Dollars?

If you want help, talk with me. If all you want is a diagnosis, go somewhere else.

X: What brings you in today?

S: Well, I've been dealing with a lot of stress and family issues and it's been tough. I've been having some good days but some bad days too. I'm hoping you can help.

X: I hope so too. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to speak with you. What can I do to help?

S: I'm wondering if I'm bipolar.

X: You said you're dealing with a lot of stress and family issues resulting in some good and bad days. We can discuss some ways to cope with stress and family issues.

S: I think I'm bipolar.

X: What makes you think you have a bipolar disorder?

S: My brother says I'm bipolar.

X: What do you think?

S: I think I'm bipolar too. I read about this on the internet.

X: Hmmm. It sounds like we have a lot to talk about. Where should we start?

S: Well, am I bipolar or not? I want to know if I have a bipolar disorder. I have some good days and some bad days. Can you diagnose me?

X: Sure, you have bipolar disorder. That'll be two-hundred and fifty dollars.

S: You're diagnosing me with bipolar disorder?

X: Yep. What else can I do to help? Is there anything else bothering you?

S: Like I said, I've been dealing with a lot of stress and family issues and it's been tough. Do you think my ups and downs could be due to stress?

X: I would guess there is a relationship. Stress can have a lot of effect on moods, thoughts and behaviors. Maybe we can talk about some strategies and decisions. I'm hoping you can help me understand what's going on that's leading to so much stress?

S: My family always argues and my parents are going through a separation. It's been very stressful. I can't keep my mind on my school work. Do you think I have an attention-deficit disorder?

X: No, it sounds like you're under some stress and once you find some ways to better understand it and cope with it, things will start to improve. You'll soon start having better days and you'll become better able to concentrate on the task at hand.

S: Do you think I have a stress disorder? Again, I've been reading up on all this on the internet, plus I want to be a psychologist some day. I know I fit the pattern of having a stress disorder.

X: I don't suspect you do. I think you are feeling some stress relating to some issues at home, just ike anyone would.

S: A page on the internet says I do.

X: How would it help you if I diagnose you with a stress disorder?

S: Then it would explain that I am stressed.

X: Okay then, you have a stress disorder. That'll be two-hundred and fifty dollars.

S: Thank you!

X: Now can we start talking about the real issues, about what's really going on? I'm certain we can find some ways that will help you start getting back on track.

S: I'm still concerned that I might have ADHD. I just can't concentrate.

X: How long have you had problems concentrating?

S: The past two to three weeks... ever since my parents started arguing.

X: That explains it. Every human will have increased difficulties paying attention and concentrating in school when ther are family factors interfering. I'm sure things will get better soon.

S: My mom says I have ADHD and so does my teacher.

X: If I diagnose ADHD, will that make you, your mother, and your teacher happy?

S: Definitely!

X: Okay then, I'm diagnosing you with ADHD. That'll be two-hundred and fifty dollars.

S: Thank you! Can I, um, get some meds that'll help me, you know, tune in a little bit better? My friends turned me on to some of their stuff... WOW!

X: Sorry, I'm not licensed or trained to prescribe or recommend meds and even if I was I wouldn't You would need to talk with your family physician or someone from APA - I'm sure they'd be happy to prescribe meds for you.

S: Is there anything you can do to help me with my ADHD?

X: There are a million things I can do that would probably help you better cope with family issues, stress, getting back on track, increasing your concentration, and bringing your grades back up.

S: How would that help? I want to know what you can do to help me with my ADHD.

X: There's probably nothing I can do to help you with your ADHD... I could help you improve your attention and concentration skills though.

S: That sounds like a waste of time. What do you think is wrong with me?

X: I don't think there's anything wrong with you. I think you are a human trying to cope with a difficult life situation and it's been tough for you, just like it would be for any human.

S: Well I have another question. My mom is an ASPI and she thinks I would be a great candidate to become one too. She say's I'm a strange one just liker her! Could you diagnose me with Aspergers so I can go to the monthly ASPI dinners?

X: Well, there's really no such thing as Aspergers Syndrome. It was just invented so some people could make a lot of money. A lot of people, apparently million, were duped.

S: But if I can get an Aspergers diagnosis, then I could be part of the club! And then my mom would like me again because she wouldn't think I'm weird, she would just know it's our family condition.

X: Okay then, I'm diagnosing you with Aspergers. That'll be five-hundred dollars.

S: Five-hundred dollars? That's outrageous!

Page Revised and Republished on July 7th, 2019

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